force

I have stress induced canker sores in my mouth and it sucks (like 4). I’ve been sort of on the verge of/warding off a meltdown. I am stuck in complete and utter apathy towards everything that I am invested in and love doing.

I can’t sleep or eat without pain, because face. I have peroxide wash now though and have been doing everything else, including painkillers.

Everything sounds horrifically dull.

I feel like I’m shrinking back into my shell. I feel like I’ve stopped caring – which, actually isn’t true, because then I have moments of intense caring which leads to guilt which leads to…

All of my plans and ambitions seem grey and pointless and impossible.

I have to force myself to do anything, fight through the fog of why-bothers, and everything feels so…nothing-y

but I still force myself. I still force myself out of bed (and spend the rest of the day questioning that decision), I still force myself to be around for people and projects and things,  I still force myself to draw humorotica, even if I can’t seem to muster up the strength to force myself to draw when I need to and draw for myself. but the point is, i still force myself, and it hurts and it’s hard and it’s a battle and it sucks and I feel so fucking alone and stuck and it’s not even funny, but I still force myself, because I don’t know?reasons.

I feel like forcing myself counts for something. I don’t know what – probably nothing. Maybe I force myself because there’s a part of me that realizes I still need to kinda pretend to feel kind of alive or human. Or maybe it’s just guilt. It’s probably actually guilt.

2 thoughts on “force

  1. Forcing yourself does count. It hurts. It hurts so much and it makes you want to hide even more. But it DOES count for something.

  2. Forcing yourself totally counts. I lurk around the corners here, but I’ve really appreciated your honesty and ability to articulate yourself.

    Anyway, I wanted to comment because I also deal with stress induced ulcers. I don’t know if you have a dentist you can see, but a wonderful dentist gave me a prescription for Carafate, which is ordinarily a prescription for stomach ulcers, but, if you use it as a mouthwash, is also a pain reliever which helps mouth ulcers heal MUCH faster. It’s the only way I can function some weeks. Might be of no use to you at all, but I wanted to pass it on. Peace, friend.

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