force

I have stress induced canker sores in my mouth and it sucks (like 4). I’ve been sort of on the verge of/warding off a meltdown. I am stuck in complete and utter apathy towards everything that I am invested in and love doing.

I can’t sleep or eat without pain, because face. I have peroxide wash now though and have been doing everything else, including painkillers.

Everything sounds horrifically dull.

I feel like I’m shrinking back into my shell. I feel like I’ve stopped caring – which, actually isn’t true, because then I have moments of intense caring which leads to guilt which leads to…

All of my plans and ambitions seem grey and pointless and impossible.

I have to force myself to do anything, fight through the fog of why-bothers, and everything feels so…nothing-y

but I still force myself. I still force myself out of bed (and spend the rest of the day questioning that decision), I still force myself to be around for people and projects and things,  I still force myself to draw humorotica, even if I can’t seem to muster up the strength to force myself to draw when I need to and draw for myself. but the point is, i still force myself, and it hurts and it’s hard and it’s a battle and it sucks and I feel so fucking alone and stuck and it’s not even funny, but I still force myself, because I don’t know?reasons.

I feel like forcing myself counts for something. I don’t know what – probably nothing. Maybe I force myself because there’s a part of me that realizes I still need to kinda pretend to feel kind of alive or human. Or maybe it’s just guilt. It’s probably actually guilt.

2 Responses to “force”

  1. Caterina says:

    Forcing yourself does count. It hurts. It hurts so much and it makes you want to hide even more. But it DOES count for something.

  2. Karin says:

    Forcing yourself totally counts. I lurk around the corners here, but I’ve really appreciated your honesty and ability to articulate yourself.

    Anyway, I wanted to comment because I also deal with stress induced ulcers. I don’t know if you have a dentist you can see, but a wonderful dentist gave me a prescription for Carafate, which is ordinarily a prescription for stomach ulcers, but, if you use it as a mouthwash, is also a pain reliever which helps mouth ulcers heal MUCH faster. It’s the only way I can function some weeks. Might be of no use to you at all, but I wanted to pass it on. Peace, friend.

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