Category Archives: Film

Housekeeping

If you are following KieryGeek and Humorotica I have an important note.

For reasons that involve creating safe places and also to get me to actually use more than one twitter account and figure out how to…multitask? or is it focus? something like that – if you get all your updates from @kiery28, or don’t get twitter updates about either project at all, but want them please go follow @kierygeek and @humoroticathulu.

I’m going to be using them more, more than once a week for Humorotica and more than once a month for KieryGeek. I’ll try to make it interesting and worth your while, I swear.

Thanks so much for helping me out <3

(also, if Facebook is more your style, KieryGeek and Humorotica currently share a space at KieryGeek: Rebooted. I know, I know, Humorotica should have it’s own page. One step at a time)

Survivor's Guilt

Maybe it’s because I’m on that high from just finishing a comic after not drawing in way too long because set backs and busy-ness and certain-life-things just completely zapping any creative drive out of me, or because I’ve been rocking out to music in my headphones (which I’m sure looks entertaining), but, I’m really happy right now.

Dude, I make comics.

And I make videos about gaming.

The first of season 3 is yet to be out because reasons (not limited to, but including computer failure). I do have it planned though…And all but one piece of the puzzle has come in, so yay! Computer thing is being fixed tomorrow *crossfingers*

I had an epiphany in the shower a couple days ago…about how I don’t have to feel guilty for, I guess just the whole circumstance I am in where I am actually in a place where I can create and not have to worry about stuff. I realize I’m fucking lucky and that it’s so fucking rare for that to be a thing, and more often than not I have some weird kind of survivors guilt and feel like I should shelf it and join everyone else, you know? Because I almost feel like there’s something wrong that I have the ability to do these things and lots of people don’t.

But then I realized, that’s not actually helping anyone. It’s not helping me, if I’m sitting at home, paralyzed by guilt and anxiety because I can choose the work that I do, and I’m not desperate. It’s not helping me if I force myself to go spend my time doing something that isn’t helping me actually grow when I don’t absolutely have to.

What does help people, and what does help me, is if I actually use the crazy lucky situation I’m in and create, and keep creating, and doing those things and bringing stuff into the world that makes it better, or bringing in the stuff I want to see. I don’t know how long anything is going to last, no one does, so who am I to not make things while I can?

I don’t know if that makes sense to anyone else. I just realized…I don’t know, I shouldn’t feel guilty or like something is wrong because my life and journey looks different. I shouldn’t be paralyzed by survivor’s guilt because I can choose where to dedicate my time.

Because I really do feel bad about it a lot. Which I realize is idiotic. *shrug*

And now I’m remembering this poem, which I first discovered years ago when I watched Akeela and the Bee:

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness
That most frightens us.

We ask ourselves
Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.

Your playing small
Does not serve the world.
There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking
So that other people won’t feel insecure around you.

We are all meant to shine,
As children do.
We were born to make manifest
The glory of God that is within us.

It’s not just in some of us;
It’s in everyone.

And as we let our own light shine,
We unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
As we’re liberated from our own fear,
Our presence automatically liberates others.

- “Our Deepest Fear” Marianne Williamson

And the more I’m trying to figure out who the fuck I think I am and what the hell I’m doing here and what makes me so qualified, the more apt it is, because….

If I’m quiet

and if I’m honest

and if I look deep within myself

In the corner I don’t want to admit exists

I’m terrified of my own power.

And that’s holding me back in the light of sudden…success

I’m really not that scary of a person

(you hear that psyche? I’m really nice!)

But for some reason, something dwelling in the cavern

says

who the fuck do you think you are?

and I just have to remember

who the fuck am I not to be?

FUNDED.

I actually knew I was funded the day I left for PAX, but it kept going between feeling real and not feeling real yet. I was worried that everyone would take back their pledges last minute and I’d just be one of the many un-funded projects for reasons – like, I don’t know, the creative police coming to my door and being like, hey, no, you don’t get to do this, you CLEARLY don’t know what you’re doing and aren’t really creative anyway. And then they’d take all the money I didn’t have yet and give it to someone else; or pocket it….

But that didn’t happen, and as the seconds ticked away the total amount I made was $1,415. Perfect because when I got home from PAX our apartment roof had leaked and soaked our mic, so now I can afford to replace it with a better mic, which means better audio for everyone!

Anyway, now that the kickstarter is officially over and I don’t have it hanging over my head, I feel like I can actually think about the next steps. I tried, and I got as much as I could done, but it was really hard because it still felt so unsure.

I acquired an HD game recorder at PAX (because I’m married to a sweet person who fronted me the cash). I got the elgato Game Capture HD, and I can’t wait to try it out, because it’s supposed to be really awesome and the owner/creator of it that I talked to at the booth was really great and helpful and open about it and what it did and didn’t do (and is going to do, etc). Score!

While I waited today, I compiled all of the PAX footage, and also added in the promised twerking attempt. See below: