From Health and Fitness

Vaccinated

WP_20141112_002I’ve started and stopped this post several times over the last couple hours. It’s not even anything particularly interesting, which is why I’ve started and stopped, I guess.

But right now I’m having jack and coke and playing lego Marvel so I figured I’d take a break while I was observing the snow and actually write this stupid post.

Wednesday I got my last HPV shot! Which is awesome! I feel like I’m actually caught up on all the shots I should have gotten – I got my TDAP when I got the first HPV vaccine in May and getting the last of the three HPV’s done this week makes me feel all accomplished and adult.

Like, I overcame a bunch of childhood shit and made health choices that are better for my future. As much crap as I got from people about how much shots hurt, I did it anyway. And you know what? The shots weren’t even that bad! I mean, they’re shots, they’re not horribly comfy and I’m favoring my right shoulder, but I only needed ibuprofen on Wednesday and it’ll be back to normal by the weekend and I’m vaccinated against HPV for the rest of my life!

So if you haven’t gotten the shot yet because pain, do yourself a favor, get the shot, it’s only 3, they’re done in 6 months, they’re not that bad, and they’re a million times better than getting cancer. Don’t listen to all the people who jump on you because it’s so painful, it sounds worse than it is. Just do it. It’s smart. You’re worth it.

 

 

Massages + Disassociation

In July I had this thing where my neck/shoulder muscles didn’t want to move, so I got a massage, and I’ve been getting them every couple weeks since to try and loosen up the (apparently insane levels of) tightness, and I noticed something…and someday I’ll draw something to illustrate this better, but, when I’m on the table, I feel connected to myself and my body.

I can tell how the muscle in my right shoulder impacts my left toes, and how every piece of me is connected to everything else. For an hour, there’s no difference between me and my body, we’re the same, connected, one – I am muscle and flesh and bone and blood, and interestingly, gender doesn’t come into play here. And maybe, it’s because I’m naked in the dark but not seen or judged, maybe it’s because massages go deeper than skin, and reach the core, the ungendered center that everyone shares, so I’m not lost in my parts, because they’re just parts, epidermis that doesn’t really say much about me or who I am…

It’s not something I’m used to experiencing, but I’m trying to find ways to ground myself, to feel less like a floating sentience in a breathing corpse. I realized, while we were checking out the Universalist church last weekend, that, I center myself to the earth, which I think is normal, but what if I centered myself to…myself? maybe if I paid attention to how my skin felt around my bones and listened to my senses, maybe that would help with the generally disconnected feeling I usually have towards my body?

Most days I feel like I’m a sentience walking ghost-hand in hand with my body, or circling around in my skull that from here looks more like a cage. On bad days, or bad nights, really, I feel like I’m a balloon and like I’ll just float away unless I’m held or touching someone to ground me and pull me back down to the earth, to my skin…but, when I’m being massaged, it’s like someone is helping me put my body back on, like a coat, and helping me back to myself.

It’s weird in a good way, but also weird. I don’t know if any of this makes sense, and when she asks me how I’m feeling after (apparently I hold up really well) I want to tell her how much it helps on a psychological level, but I don’t know how to, or if she’d even understand…but it does, it helps a lot in a way I never expected.

 


Then sometimes things happen, and I’m around people who tend to make me question my worth and whether or not I should even bother doing things that actually do help me. Who make me feel like a burden and like I should just suffer and I don’t deserve to try and have a healthy relationship with myself-body – who leave me reeling for days re-evaluating whether or not I’m a decent human.

Being triggered leaves me feeling like the pile of dirt I was told I was worth growing up, and it makes me feel guilty for getting massages, and taking care of myself. Because who am I to have things, to have value, to have worth, and to be worth caring for?


But I am human, and I have value because I exist, and I’m not just trouble, or burdensome, and I am worth caring for.

So next Friday I get another massage, and it’ll be good for me, because it’s okay to value and take care of myself.

You should see the other guy

IMG_1846

So, this afternoon I finally did it.

I went to Planned Parenthood and got The Implant. I AM NOW BABY WORRY FREE for the next 3 years.

The amount of stress that just vanished from my shoulders after the nurse said “okay, it’s in” is like…..unbelievable.

I know I’ll be dealing with side effects (and I’m hoping they’re the less blood kind instead of the more blood kind) but it helps with cramps and I can deal with irregularity if I’m not crippled with pain and I’m not facing the, oh right, now I have to worry for another month, thing.

Right now I’m rocking a badass looking bandaid, and being very happy that I’m safe until 2016.

Take that, uterus! (empowering myself, because I don't need to feel this way every month)

So. I talked to my clinic and after two years off birth control and trying to get my body back in shape (with, eh, results) and realizing that it’s actually like, still debilitatingly painful – and painkillers don’t always work – and that I’m tired of freaking out every time I’m a day late, and it gets exponentially worse as time passes, which prolongs it because stress = more PMS and a late period – I’m going to get back on it. But not in pill form.

I’m going to see about getting….the implant. After researching it as thoroughly as I can, and listening to people talk (er, comic) about it, and finding out that it’s actually more effective than sterilization, I decided to give it a try.

This is important because there is little that I want more than to be sterilized (this has been my plan since I was 17), but I have to wait until I’m 30 to be a candidate for it, and even then, it doesn’t always take. I’m thrilled to realize that there’s an insert, that does the same thing, better, and with less craziness/surgery, and I can do it NOW and not have to spend the next 8 years paranoid.

I’ll find out this week if my local clinic offers it (they were in the process of getting it) otherwise I’ll get a referral.

I’m making progress, because I thought I was doomed to a life of painful periods and awful PMS even though the depression was out of the way, because I didn’t want to try pills again (and their failure rate just wasn’t really worth doing that to my body again), and I can’t do IUD’s. But also, I think, I felt like I deserved it – somehow I deserved the torture my body inflicted on itself and I deserved to feel it in all it’s intensity.

I don’t feel that way any more. I deserve better, I don’t need to continue to subject myself to an anxiety ridden decade, just like I don’t need to live in a constant depressed state that gets worse when my hormones change.

So yeah. I’m doing that, and I’m happy, because I feel like I’m actually in control of my body.

I win all the points! I’m only really talking about this because my insides are bleeding out currently and I still managed to talk on the phone and stutter out the question, and then lay in bed in pain all day, and cry (sob) during 13 Going On 30, drown in Pacific Rim feels, and still be generally happy and proud of myself (debilitating pain and moments of guilt due to that aside) because like, I’m fixing it! hopefully.

But I’m so moody today, my tear filter broke.