Dreams

I had a dream last night, and in that dream I spent a lot of time with my closest-in-age sister doing chores. She’d taken up the slack for me since I was gone and had figured out how to do all the dishes and things required for keeping a house full of 8 people clean. We talked, and I realized she wasn’t the little kid I used to know anymore. She was growing into her own, and it was beautiful…..

But also painful. Because I wasn’t there. Because I abandoned her. Because my role was forced upon her when I left and she was angry, as she had every right to be. As I watched in awe and horror as she did my job, and was surprised and sad at how good she was being the next surrogate mom. I saw her anger and depression and exhaustion and I was powerless to fix it. She had every right to be angry with me, every right to be tired. Every right to grow and become her own person and enjoy her teenage years and yet that was brutally taken away from her – like it was with me. Through no fault of our own.

My mom was in the background, hovering and dictating as she does. Neither of us dared address the actual issue or the people who were actually at fault and made the decisions we were forced to live with. I bore the blame and the anger, because it was all I could do – and I told her as much as I could that she was perfect and capable and amazing.

It was only a dream, I tell myself.

And yet…..it’s probably not far from the reality.

I can’t ignore that running away, that choosing myself for the first time, didn’t leave scars on the siblings I helped raised. I wonder what it would have been like to just have siblings, instead of children – to have played and been more equal instead of responsibility for their needs foisted upon me as a child. I wish I’d been able to share childhood with them, instead of having to grow faster so I could meet their needs as a parent would. I wish I could have been real friends with my siblings, instead of nurse.

I wonder often what that’s like. What’s it like to have siblings as friends and playmates and obnoxious little sneaks, instead of people you need to raise, bathe, feed, and educate?

What’s it like to have siblings that your parents don’t cut you off from?

I wish so much didn’t happen the way it did – the way it had to.

I’m so sorry that it did, and I’m so sorry I hurt them.

RubyArt

So, I talked a little about this comic project I want to make. Originally I thought I was going to build the entire back-end from scratch like I did with E.R.A. but after falling down a google rabbit hole I found Refinery CMS, which is a Ruby on Rails CMS where you can add extensions which means….

drumroll

Instead of putting most of my time and energy into creating a backend that does basically the same thing refinery does, I can just make the comic extension and put all of my effort into that!

People who don’t program probably don’t understand the excitement I’m feeling right now, but it’s pretty huge. Building your own CMS from scratch is HARD (good to do at least once, but still, hard), there are still things I could improve with E.R.A. changes I was planning on having to make and setup with what I’ve been calling “RubyArt”, which, for just wanting a comic platform…involves so much more than you would imagine.

It’s an interesting mind shift – I mean, I have to do my own tweaking and setup with the CMS, get the gem that imports wordpress xml files, but for the most part I can focus on the actual functionality I want to add with the comic feature (the fun part) instead of building an entire system over again.

But still! I’m excited to try this out. I’ll be putting it on github and stuff when I’m done and sharing it with the refinery people so other cartoonists can use it too.

 

Theme Change Makes Me Feel More Bloggy

All I’ve wanted to do all week is work on a variety of programming projects, and as a result I haven’t touched any of them, and I’m too tired right now to start (3am != programming start time).

Anyway, the couple that are vying for attention right now are my Ruby on Rails + Comic site app with WordPress/ComicPress import capability.

A Ruby on Rails app that gives me badges for doing things and I can also somehow share it…

A game. I don’t know what, or how……but I really want to be part of Antholojam but I have NO IDEA WHAT TO MAKE.

I could learn how to write it easily enough, if I knew what I wanted to make and what I wanted the story to be. But I don’t.

 

Problem being, between all of my other projects, I haven’t had time and have been too tired to work on all my new ones. I haven’t updated E.R.A. in over a month and I’ve only made two fairy porns…..

I’m ahead and behind and exhausted and antsy.

 

Oh and the current theme is Casper, which was originally created for the Ghost platform, which is what kierygeek.com is running on.

This Week I:

  • Worked on some E.R.A. Plotting
  • Voted (and then drank a lot because reasons)
  • Washed the dishes most days
  • And cleaned the stove
  • Mopped the floors
  • Made the bed
  • Took out the trash
  • Ordered Alex’s birthday presents
  • Ordered shoes and sent them back
  • Drew a comic
  • Had more ideas for ruby apps
  • Decided I want to also try to write a game
  • Met with people IRL
  • Talked with people a lot
  • Took car to mechanic
  • Drew an app concept
  • Met my water in-take goal most days
  • Surpassed my step goal twice
  • Bred all the chickens and pigs in Minecraft
  • Looked at cute dog pictures
  • Snuggled my cat

more misc

It’s snowing, I’m in a sweater, leggings, fluffy socks, and a warm blanket and I’m still cold. I braved the weather to get food.

WP_20141102_002

I started a fairy porn tumblr and theoretically increased the amount of comics I draw per week.

I had a lot of unexpected social but ended up getting rid of the PVC pipe from our greenscreen project/holder thing, finally. Apparently people LOVE free PVC pipe.

I moved the xbox back into my office and realized it hates me trying to play multiplayer ME3 in a party, but it’s still great for watching Futurama.

I was a lot of up and down this week, but that was okay. I also did a LOT of little things – taking things to the thrift store, recycling, etc…

Playing more minecraft and streamed some of it. I even figured out how to breed chickens and pigs.

2014-10-31_22.46.14

I’m waiting anxiously until I can schedule my last HPV shot at planned parenthood, and then I will be IMMUNE. I will also go to the DMV and renew my license and take a new picture where I don’t look like a homeschooler who has no idea what to do with their hair.

Need to remember to vote on Tuesday.

I realized, now that I’m actually old enough to vote myself, get-out-the-vote campaigns don’t matter as much to me as they used to, which I think is weird, but I guess it’s because I know I’m going to vote, and as long as I can vote I’m not concerned about getting other people to vote on my behalf.

I also got some rum and whiskey on Halloween (and also I got candy because I wore my fox costume to run errands over lunch and it was awesome), which means I’ll have something to help me watch the election results.

Mostly I’m writing this boring ramblyness to keep myself awake, but I’m hitting publish, so it only realllly worked for like 15 minutes :P