This is my Life

Sparkly Sparkly Ghosts

I have a lot of jewelry and I don’t really wear much of it. I’m not a huge jewelry person – I wear two sets of studs in my ears to keep the holes from closing and my wedding ring, and that’s about it unless I’m feeling fancy and it’s not winter (necklaces + cold = brrrrr).

So today I went through what I had and I realized a lot of it was stuff from years ago and triggered a lot of weird memories and feelings. There’s my purity ring, the necklace my parents got me when I was thirteen with two itty bitty diamonds to represent childhood and adulthood, random stuff that I picked up over the years: the pair of earrings I wore on the really awkward date Alex and I went on, my first set of earrings ever, a bunch of random stuff….but all from within that 6 year vacuum of when I got my ears pierced until I moved out.

And it was weird, seeing it all laid out on the table as I was cleaning them feeling generally meh and worse as time went on. I put aside the necklace I made the month before my 18th birthday, when I was prepping for my drivers test. Some of my jewelry was like going back through my journals, getting snapshots of moments in time.

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It feels heavy. I didn’t realize how many physical remnants of my past I had until I started sorting through it this afternoon. So many negative associations with physical objects, even if I was happy about them at the time. Handling all of it….was a lot.

So I decided to do the cathartic thing, and just throw them out instead of holding on to them or trying to sell them. It’s maybe not the awesomest decision but I don’t need their haunting memories in my life anymore.

I did, though, keep some sentimental pieces (like my wedding set, for instance), and the pieces I really like and actually wear (mostly somewhat geeky, like my dragon-claw dice holder necklace); I feel less bogged down now, and I feel like my collection of jewelry reflects me more accurately than the messy piles of things over 8 years old did… without emotional minefields, too.

Grr

Yesterday I coughed and pulled some muscle(s) in my back. So that’s how this week has started.

I forgot about how having a windows computer sometimes means it’s stereotypically windows and I spent most of today waiting for the ibuprofen to work and debugging my computer so I can use the internet again without getting all the spam and ads and malware.

Of course, the time I can’t do shit is the time my brain is ready to make progress on planning/developing Ruby apps and I can’t sit at the computer I have Ruby installed on :P

So, last night I sketched them out instead. Also felt like drawing. I generally feel like being productive when it’s physically unwise for me to do things. Which just leaves me feeling…. (not so) awesome.

On Saturday I posted a video about GamerGate and turned off the comments (which somehow doesn’t mean I don’t get them, but they’re all unpublished). SO MANY MANSPLAINS. Also the highest amount of interaction I’ve ever had on a video, and the dislikes outweigh the likes and oddly that doesn’t make me feel bad.

I just hope my back fixes itself so I can draw Humorotica this week. I’ll be so pissed if I can’t.

MOAR BORING BULLSHIT

Today I moved the plastic wrap/etc from the top shelf above the stove to the bottom shelf above the stove so I can actually reach them. And by I moved, I mean, I asked Alex to get down what I couldn’t gingerly reach with my finger tips so I could put it somewhere within both reach and eyesight.

“Oooh there’s more up there? what else is up there? I can’t see anything” – thing that I said because top shelves are not designed for short people.

I’m totally going to look back on this week of posts a year or a month from now (or tomorrow, or in an hour…) and be like “this is so stupid. why did I even post this?”

Welcome to my head, guys.

And yet, here we are.

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My kitchen cabinets that store dishes and food are organized and nice now.

We came back home from the park and I was like, wow, it’s so clean. It’s a nice feeling. We’ll see if I can’t stay on top of it.

Eventually I should reach the top of the fridge, but that involves a chair (as do all the high shelves) so maybe I’ll wait for my bruise to heal from when I used the chair and then failed the dismount, first. :P You know, so I can do it again.

I’ve been playing minecraft so much it’s invading my dreams. Seriously. EVERYTHING IS MADE OUT OF BLOCKS, and I keep finding coal (which I’m cool with because XP, woot, but dream XP doesn’t transfer dammit).

Minecraft is super fun, but also, upon reaching the 4th hour straight I start to seriously reconsider my life (as I make an inventory full of pickaxes and get back to mining) and like, why am I even? So I will probably attempt to resist the urge to mine tonight to give my brain and dreamspace a break from….mining and crafting.

I drew again yesterday and today for inktober, and fought the urge to burn them right after posting. My lines are shitty and my drawing is crap right now. It feels broken, but meh. I drew my coworkers as superheroes which was fun. This is what I get for taking a break and not drawing for a couple days, apparently. My hands just forget how pens work…which isn’t depressing at all….or anything.

Apparently “taking a break” = Kiery posts random boring shit on hen’s blog everyday.

I wrote about my recent weight gain on my fitblr, and I’ve been confused as to how I feel about it. Mostly because I feel several conflicting things at once and things I expect to feel but don’t, necessarily. On one hand, I feel heavy (because weight) and that makes me uncomfortable. On the other hand, when I look at my body, I see a human, instead of whatever I saw or didn’t see before. On another hand (lets pretend I’m like an octopi or something) when I look in the mirror I see a human body but I don’t necessarily recognize it as my own, just like, oh, there’s a person in the mirror. On yet another hand, I actually almost sort of feel comfortable like I’m at where I should be….right before I get bombarded by my mom’s voice and criticism about how she was so much thinner and tinier than me at my age and all the ages, and how she was a size 6 but should be smaller and and and….

But then earlier today, as I was trying to figure out how exactly I felt about my body and whether I felt good or bad about it today, I thought maybe it’s not either, maybe my body just is today, and it’s whatever it is. I don’t have to judge all the things all the time.

Sometimes I feel like if I’m not constantly at war with myself it means something’s wrong or makes my identity somehow less valid, which, now that I’ve written it out, seems kind of absurd. I think judging whether I, or bits of me (my body) are good or bad and having to almost decide that, stems from old fundamentalist mentality where the answer is almost always “bad”. But I don’t think everything is inherently anything, it just is, so why can’t I extend that to my body?

And, importantly: how I feel about my body (and myself in it) on any given day doesn’t change my gender identity, validity, or who I am.

Jerk brain, for some reason, doesn’t find that obvious unless I write it in a sentence. As if trying to feel better about my body + me is somehow a bad thing. Sometimes my brain is a real asshole.

Apparently the autumn is at peak so we went to one of the state parks and walked around and I stepped on all the crunchy leaves.

 

Visual Progress

I played minecraft all day yesterday and ended up with thumb cramps (hahahaha) so I mostly puttered around today to give my thumbs a break and that involved sorting random stuff – mostly my wardrobe. All of my clothes (that aren’t hung) fit in one laundry basket and are things I like, so that’s a win (I also have another laundry basket full of things to take to the thrift shop).

I also did some stuff in the kitchen, where I learned that once I got rid of the (unpictured) plain hand-me-down plates, I actually do have like 4 place settings, I also have two normal cups, one wine goblet, two martini glasses, 4 tumblers, and so. many. mugs. Clearly we drink a lot of tea and coffee around here. And I actually only found one mug that we haven’t used (solely because it was dirty and out of reach, so that’s fixed now :P). New goal is to replace my plates + bowls with dishes that I actually like instead.

I also cleaned out my tea/hot chocolate cabinet and threw out the empty tea boxes and now I have a tea shelf, a hot chocolate shelf, and an emergency coffee shelf. But I didn’t take any pictures of it. :P

I’ve discovered this new feeling recently, I think it’s called “sentiment”. It’s kinda weird. Makes getting rid of my reindeer stocking difficult, but Alex seems to think it’s a good thing, so maybe that’s progress.