rest != laziness

Blanket Burrito Con!Sometimes I have a hard time resting.

I was never allowed to rest when I was a kid, and remember wishing I would become horribly sick just so I could rest (because if I wasn’t running a fever or vomiting, I could still totally do shit), which means that as an adult, unless I’m physically debilitated, I generally don’t really…rest.

Because rest was lazy and laziness was the epitome of evil. If I was caught taking a break or a breather outside of the 90-minute “free time” window that I had, I was assigned something to do.

I know what it feels like to be headed toward burnout, because all I can think about is “I need to stop. I need to take a break. I need to sleep for days. I need to just shut my mind off for a little while, and then I can get back to it.”

But doing that….is really hard.

If I rest for more than a day when I need to, I’m instantly plagued by just… a lot of guilt.

All of the voices from my childhood come back, thundering: You’re being lazy. You’re doing nothing. You can’t just sit around and do nothing like those lazy people. You have to work. You’re like those people who burden society. You’re not working. You’ve had your 10 minute break, now go get shit done and stop being selfish and irresponsible.

My parents spent a lot of time shitting on people they thought were lazy. Which is why they worked us like slaves while my mom sat in her chair being pregnant.

We were never allowed to rest because resting was lazy, irresponsible, and selfish, and according to mom “in the ‘real world’, you don’t get to”.

So, I worked through abscesses, I worked through periods without ibuprofen, I worked through colds and other not-flu illnesses, I worked through general soreness from being jumped on.

The two times I remember feeling cared for were when I was sick and too young to be able to do anything else. I had the chicken pox and got an oatmeal bath, and the other time, I had the flu and mom bought me a coloring book and rubbed my feet and then let me be by myself to color and sleep.

I have a really giant mental wall that creates itself when I need to take a break and rest and I’m not also violently ill.

It’s almost painful, sometimes, because I know I could relieve the guilt by quitting my mini-cation (which I called blanket burrito con this morning) and getting back to work, and doing all the things instead of forcing myself to just do nothing and try to be okay with letting my brain be quiet (and getting it to be quiet).

I can manage to not do anything during the day, but then while I’m sleeping I get stressed out – almost like I expect to be in trouble the next morning for having done nothing. I wake up exhausted and guilty (because I slept, I slept late, and I haven’t done anything, but…) because of this phantom of disapproval, this overwhelming sense of innate evil in the form of laziness, because everyone but myself deserves to be taken care of.

I know it’s bullshit.

I know, I know, I know it’s bullshit.

But it’s still hard (so I’ve been doing little things that help).

I’m gonna go back and snuggle in my blanket burrito now, maybe tomorrow I’ll have yellow or green nails.

SelfCare

Facebook_pngI’m giving myself a mini vacation this week, because…I think with the new meds and being able to finally start doing things full-force again, I was pushing myself way too hard. Which, isn’t actually very good and I kinda noticed myself heading towards burnout very quickly.

So this week looks like a lot of relaxing and nothing-ness and getting rid of pressure. It also looks like clothes shopping and blue hair and nail polish in funky colors.

And a lot of sleep.

And a massage on Friday.

And playing games and drawing and watching anime.

And being comfy.

And escaping the world for a little while.

And new fruity body wash with shea butter, and face scrubs.

And teasing the cat with catnip and watching Mr. Speckles the fish. InstagramCapture_d53ced82-1241-4326-af19-72c51c728839_jpg

And maybe finish painting my Cyriss army.

 

 

 

Book Review: Homeschool Sex Machine

rough cover-fixedThe author of Homeschool Sex Machine, Matthew Pierce, writes from his perspective growing up in a religious homeschool environment where purity culture reigned supreme and being pubescent meant you were trouble.

I read it earlier last week, and was just overcome with feels. It’s a short read – and captures that cringe-y kind of hilarity that you get when you read something funny but it’s also oh-so-relateable. That “been there” kind of thing that reminds you of when you were also a young pubescent kid trapped in that crazy world, and the mental lengths you went to so you could maintain purity but still also…be dealing with puberty.

Homeschool Sex Machine is also a great way to understand what it’s like to grow up male in the midst of purity culture. As much as I could relate, it was also eye opening to notice just where some of the emphasis changed. While Matthew maybe wasn’t told to cover up or get raped, the idea of attraction being evil (and by proxy dehumanizing women to be temptresses placed by satan, and men mere hormone balls) and all that entails was rampant. When your complete virginity and purity is the most important thing about you, things get fucked up pretty fast. Crushes? what are those even? pre-marriage feelings? sounds like a bad idea.

Anyway, I could go on, but for a cheeky look at purity culture and growing up in that world, just…go read the book. It’s funny, it’s cathartic, it’s a little uncomfortable in a good way, but mostly, it’s just good. Find it on amazon.

waning

It’s been a rough week and I think at the back of my mind I’m worried that maybe my new meds aren’t going to work, or aren’t working (I’ve only been on the new dose 4 days, so).

My shoulders are massively fucked at the moment, shocked the massage person who said it was really good that I came in and that they’re really bad and it’ll take multiple sessions to fix. I was like, yeah, I kinda figured…once my neck decided it didn’t really like turning. Apparently I held up really well for what we did with the deep tissue massage, I think I feel it more now than I did at the time, but I can move, and more importantly, I think I can sleep again.

I’ve been fighting a lot of general insecurity and self-loathing and shit-feeling – like for some reason, when things are going okay, I feel like something must be wrong. Especially wrong with me.

How fucked up is that?

I’ve been feeling ashamed of my body, in part because of the shit that went down last week, partly because yay bloating and lactose intolerance, and partly because I gained a couple pounds and the lady at the doctors office made a face when weighing me.

Temporary bloat and uncomfortableness aside though, I’ve been feeling okayish with my weight/how my body looks. On a related front: upping my water intake and dabbling with pescetarianism vegequarianism and probably cutting out dairy for a little while because hahaha tummy (Y U NO LIKE ICE CREAM?).

Today I felt like I failed at everything even though I managed to get my 2nd Gardasil shot, and a massage, and run errands….I felt like it was my fault that things took longer than I wanted them to (the waiting time at the doctors office, is I think, probably, actually, out of my control), my fault for needing to spend money to make my shoulders/neck work again, my fault for trying to talk to people and being confused and tired (because I haven’t slept much/well the last few days because pain)…

I kept running scenarios over and over in my head, convinced I was stupid for this or that, or not doing this, or not being sure how much I should undress because the massage place was in/is part of a gym and I was so out of my element and in pain and tired…

^^ not an overly relaxing thought process for getting a massage

But I think I’ve also been scaring myself with baby-steps towards progress too.

Like looking up web jobs in Seattle, and realizing that I could do that, and not only that I could get a job, but I might be able to manage doing the Ada Developers Academy.

Almost seriously considering getting a local summer job didn’t completely freak me out for like 10 minutes (depressed by the options on the other hand…)

I kinda feel like venturing to the new game store we discovered.

But then I still have this little tiny, but people!!!!!!! thing…and then I overthink when I talk to them, but I feel like there’s a little progress, and then I’m like OH NO WHAT’S HAPPENING.

So, that’s probably normal, right?

Writing this all out helps me feel better and helps put things in perspective.

I do have some really cool shit going down (besides just E.R.A. —> which if you become a patron, you can get the full-size comic download /plug) that I’m looking forward to sharing after I convince myself I’m not a shitty shit face.

<3 Thanks for listening

I started a new comic series, it’s called E.R.A. and it features genderqueer/non-binary characters and I’m really excited about it, and I built the site all by myself, and I published the first comic today, and I am exhausted.