more misc

It’s snowing, I’m in a sweater, leggings, fluffy socks, and a warm blanket and I’m still cold. I braved the weather to get food.

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I started a fairy porn tumblr and theoretically increased the amount of comics I draw per week.

I had a lot of unexpected social but ended up getting rid of the PVC pipe from our greenscreen project/holder thing, finally. Apparently people LOVE free PVC pipe.

I moved the xbox back into my office and realized it hates me trying to play multiplayer ME3 in a party, but it’s still great for watching Futurama.

I was a lot of up and down this week, but that was okay. I also did a LOT of little things – taking things to the thrift store, recycling, etc…

Playing more minecraft and streamed some of it. I even figured out how to breed chickens and pigs.

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I’m waiting anxiously until I can schedule my last HPV shot at planned parenthood, and then I will be IMMUNE. I will also go to the DMV and renew my license and take a new picture where I don’t look like a homeschooler who has no idea what to do with their hair.

Need to remember to vote on Tuesday.

I realized, now that I’m actually old enough to vote myself, get-out-the-vote campaigns don’t matter as much to me as they used to, which I think is weird, but I guess it’s because I know I’m going to vote, and as long as I can vote I’m not concerned about getting other people to vote on my behalf.

I also got some rum and whiskey on Halloween (and also I got candy because I wore my fox costume to run errands over lunch and it was awesome), which means I’ll have something to help me watch the election results.

Mostly I’m writing this boring ramblyness to keep myself awake, but I’m hitting publish, so it only realllly worked for like 15 minutes :P

Sparkly Sparkly Ghosts

I have a lot of jewelry and I don’t really wear much of it. I’m not a huge jewelry person – I wear two sets of studs in my ears to keep the holes from closing and my wedding ring, and that’s about it unless I’m feeling fancy and it’s not winter (necklaces + cold = brrrrr).

So today I went through what I had and I realized a lot of it was stuff from years ago and triggered a lot of weird memories and feelings. There’s my purity ring, the necklace my parents got me when I was thirteen with two itty bitty diamonds to represent childhood and adulthood, random stuff that I picked up over the years: the pair of earrings I wore on the really awkward date Alex and I went on, my first set of earrings ever, a bunch of random stuff….but all from within that 6 year vacuum of when I got my ears pierced until I moved out.

And it was weird, seeing it all laid out on the table as I was cleaning them feeling generally meh and worse as time went on. I put aside the necklace I made the month before my 18th birthday, when I was prepping for my drivers test. Some of my jewelry was like going back through my journals, getting snapshots of moments in time.

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It feels heavy. I didn’t realize how many physical remnants of my past I had until I started sorting through it this afternoon. So many negative associations with physical objects, even if I was happy about them at the time. Handling all of it….was a lot.

So I decided to do the cathartic thing, and just throw them out instead of holding on to them or trying to sell them. It’s maybe not the awesomest decision but I don’t need their haunting memories in my life anymore.

I did, though, keep some sentimental pieces (like my wedding set, for instance), and the pieces I really like and actually wear (mostly somewhat geeky, like my dragon-claw dice holder necklace); I feel less bogged down now, and I feel like my collection of jewelry reflects me more accurately than the messy piles of things over 8 years old did… without emotional minefields, too.

Grr

Yesterday I coughed and pulled some muscle(s) in my back. So that’s how this week has started.

I forgot about how having a windows computer sometimes means it’s stereotypically windows and I spent most of today waiting for the ibuprofen to work and debugging my computer so I can use the internet again without getting all the spam and ads and malware.

Of course, the time I can’t do shit is the time my brain is ready to make progress on planning/developing Ruby apps and I can’t sit at the computer I have Ruby installed on :P

So, last night I sketched them out instead. Also felt like drawing. I generally feel like being productive when it’s physically unwise for me to do things. Which just leaves me feeling…. (not so) awesome.

On Saturday I posted a video about GamerGate and turned off the comments (which somehow doesn’t mean I don’t get them, but they’re all unpublished). SO MANY MANSPLAINS. Also the highest amount of interaction I’ve ever had on a video, and the dislikes outweigh the likes and oddly that doesn’t make me feel bad.

I just hope my back fixes itself so I can draw Humorotica this week. I’ll be so pissed if I can’t.

KieryClam

If I’ve learned anything over the last week it’s that as nice as hiding from everything sounds it’s not necessarily helpful, or useful, and it doesn’t stop me from internalizing all of the things.

Sometimes problems get so overwhelming and I think avoiding them will help and it seems like a great idea, but what happens is I just end up having a mental breakdown and needing someone to help pry me open so I can talk about things and actually process them instead of just letting them build and pretending it’s not happening.

So Wednesday night I crashed and I was like I don’t know, I don’t know what’s wrong or why, or how to fix it, and Alex has spent the better part of our relationship learning how to interpret and pry open the Kiery, because sometimes I don’t know even how to start expressing myself (thanks childhood of completely shutting down), so that I can deal with life again.

I think I need to be asked (multiple times) because I need to know it’s safe to talk and that it’s safe to be honest about how I’m doing and that sticking to pleasantries (and convincing others of their true-ness) isn’t necessary. So that way I’m sure that if I’m honest about how I’m feeling I won’t be adding (too much?) weight to the person who’s asking.

For me, a lot of times I know things are bothering me but I don’t know what; it’s a vast overwhelming void of everything and nothing and I couldn’t describe anything if you just asked me. So a lot of my process involves pulling on threads and seeing which one unravels the skein. It still ends up being a lot of everything and nothing but at least it’s identifiable, at least then I can work through it and feel like my head’s above water for a little bit.

I’m doing better today, and I was doing better yesterday – sometimes I just need help because I can’t traverse my brain all by myself, which sounds stupid, but there you go. I can’t articulate so I shut down and internalize and I do it so much that I can’t escape without aid. But now I know (again), I guess, so all of the things that bother me still bother me but I need to process them instead of shutting down and absorbing.

Over the last couple days that I’ve been feeling okay:

I’ve been working out and started a new tumblr with mara, upped my step goal to 5k steps a day instead of 2k

I drew Humorotica this week! And I didn’t hate my drawing, and I doodled today and also didn’t hate that either.

My hiking shoes and combat boots came in and are awesome

I discovered leggings.

I had a thought about KieryGeek that wasn’t just guilt for the first time since July.

I have a lot of disjointed thoughts and feelings on gamergate and when I’m honest, I kinda reallllly hoped it would just go away already but it’s not and I feel like I need to talk about it and draw a comic about it, and maybe even make a vlog about it.

The huge thing is, I can think again, and I feel okay again, and I have about as much of a clue about why I suddenly feel better as I did about why I felt bad (which is to say, I don’t know), but I think acknowledging that my avoid-everything strategy lead to absorb-all-the-sads-and-keep-them-there helped. Realizing that things do affect me even if they don’t affect me directly is kinda crucial, and you’d think I’d figure that out, but at some point I just lose myself and I’m like NO I MUST FEEL ALL OF THESE, AND YOUR FEELS, AND YOUR FEELS, AND THEY ARE MINE NOW, GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS, and it’s not something I need to be doing (but it’s almost impossible to not do because empath), and especially not something that’s healthy for me to hold on to without processing – because it piles and it piles fast and triggers become more intense and…anyway, I lost my point.

I guess I’m just trying to say, I feel better after Alex talked to me and tried to help me make sense of things and then all of the things had names again and now I’m not drowning in an ocean of depression today, and that makes me happy.