Last year, I wrote about how I felt different on my birthday, because I had finally given myself permission to live. I referred back to that permission throughout the year in different ways, and I think I’ll continue to refer back to it (remembering, that being myself is a life journey, not something accomplished in one go – I am allowed to reinvent and renew myself as much as I want to). This year though, I don’t feel different. I am different. I’ve changed – more over the last year than I have in a while, but especially more over the last three years than I have since I was young.
I like it, I like looking back and realizing that I can see how far I’ve come, and that I’ve traveled far.
I started a health/fitness quest – which is very much a journey. I haven’t been perfect, or strictly disciplined, but I think I’ve learned how to listen to my body, and I think I’ve gotten better at it. Progress is slow, but rewarding in the little things. The fact that I’ve actually started it and stuck with it is change – I never gave a second thought about my body until I realized something wasn’t balanced correctly. That decision lead to getting help for my PMDD/depression (evening primrose, progesterone, and vitex weren’t enough to battle it – I tried), which is quite possibly the best personal-help decision I’ve made in the last year.
I think I have become braver, or at least more honest with myself. I’ve started to embrace the slightly more ethereal, prose-like, bashfully eloquent bits of myself that so easily run into hiding.
I’ve done things that I used to talk myself out of. A mental breakdown in March lead to the birth of a youtube channel and the introduction to so many wonderful amazing people that I can’t imagine not knowing. I’ve learned to value those meltdown moments, because for some reason, after working through them – I find a sense of clarity, and I know myself better than I had before. My psyche and subconscious had a voice and I learned the importance of centering myself, patience, and drive.
I remember where I was on my birthday last year, and I’ve changed so much. I’m looking forward to continuing the journey I started last year, and granting myself new permission to just revel in life this year; to keep doing what I’m doing, and have new experiences (to go, where no kiery has gone before).
Well, at least the part that involves all the season set up. I’ll have ongoing preproduction forever, and I still need to memorize my script and take some gaming footage, but earlier this week I sent out the emails I needed to send out – which was the last thing on my list of things to line up before filming!
I feel much more relaxed with all of that out of the way. I was really annoyed at myself in July because life happened and I didn’t get to where I wanted in the time frame I dreamed up, that was unfortunately unrealistic. With work starting back up next month, I think the new more flexible timeframe is going to be better for everyone, and with amazing awesome guests every other week, I don’t expect there to be much complaining.
I had a list, right? I know it’s only been a week, but for some reason it seems to be a list of I’m-going-to-do-the-ones-that-involve-mail-but-maybe-not-anything-else instead. Which is great, actually, because I’ve accomplished several other big things since writing that list.
Last day of the cleanse. If you followed on tumblr (or have just been following along), you know I didn’t stick with it to the letter. Especially after realizing how corporate it was and not being able to bring myself to eat beef on the first beef day.
I didn’t lose ALL the pounds, but I wasn’t trying to (and I think it would have been unhealthy for me if I had). I am slightly more toned (thanks to added bits of exercise), my insides feel much less grumpy and I feel like I know my body better than when I started. So I’m going to go ahead and call it a success.
Fruit-only day was the hardest. Banana and Soup day was the easiest (and tastiest). Meat days were weird – I was much thirstier on those days and drank a lot more water, which was what I was supposed to do, it was just much easier.