Tag Archives: dreams

Paring Down (and other thoughts)

I sort of re-evaluted some things in my art journal the other day. I’ve been feeling frustrated, some of it is due to not having a high enough dose of antidepressants which I fixed last week, and some of it is due to the fact that I can tell I’m quickly heading toward burnout and I’m not doing enough of what I actually want to be doing.

journalI have a problem with saying yes without thinking. Usually this is a good thing, but then I get overwhelmed. I’m split from what I want to do and doing something that I also want to do but it’s not the thing I want to do it’s just a thing I’m doing because it seemed like a good idea.

I’m doing lots of these things. I’ve brought it upon myself – I put a lot of expectations on myself and I need to pare those down. I need to pursue the things that make me happy – I started doing that, actually, between my comics and submitting my vlog to the G&S Vlog channel, I’m really proud of myself and feel oh so alive.

I’ve decided that I’m not going to pursue programming as a vocation. I’ll do wordpress/troubleshooting for friends/personal projects, so I can do what I do better.

This is such an awkward post to write. To the people I’m doing internet stuff with/for – still doing it. I won’t leave you hanging.

Rain is one of my favorite artists. Whenever she writes there’s some part of my soul that murmurs yes. I want to be ethereal like that, some part of me longs to touch the blades of grass like Willow and feel how the entire earth is connected through roots and energy. It ignites. But that’s not my voice; I feel like it’s a part of me that is there, but waiting. Like a surprise present – it’ll come out when I’m ready, in it’s own way, in it’s me-ness (which probably won’t look anything like my lovely bohemian sister-warrioress). My voice will evolve into whatever it needs to be. Right now, it’s cognitive, I live within my head: thinking, writing, drawing, processing; and I like that I found it.

Tomorrow is our 4th anniversary(!!!!!), It’s pretty cool, I’m excited. We’ve both come such a long way since then, it’s kind of hard to imagine (though, mostly due to embarrassment) – I’m so happy we’ve evolved.

Tonight I’m picking up some more Legion of Everblight minis. I’ve been paranoid I’ll forget all day, but I won’t. Thursday or Friday I’m going to film an actual KieryGeek episode, and then next week I’ll have another #mattandkieryvsstripsearch hangout. I also started a series called The Acceptance Chronicles, where I process puberty and hope it’s funny. ^Things that make me happy.

 

Change

Last year, I wrote about how I felt different on my birthday, because I had finally given myself permission to live. I referred back to that permission throughout the year in different ways, and I think I’ll continue to refer back to it (remembering, that being myself is a life journey, not something accomplished in one go – I am allowed to reinvent and renew myself as much as I want to). This year though, I don’t feel different. I am different. I’ve changed – more over the last year than I have in a while, but especially more over the last three years than I have since I was young.

I like it, I like looking back and realizing that I can see how far I’ve come, and that I’ve traveled far.

I started a health/fitness quest – which is very much a journey. I haven’t been perfect, or strictly disciplined, but I think I’ve learned how to listen to my body, and I think I’ve gotten better at it. Progress is slow, but rewarding in the little things. The fact that I’ve actually started it and stuck with it is change – I never gave a second thought about my body until I realized something wasn’t balanced correctly. That decision lead to getting help for my PMDD/depression (evening primrose, progesterone, and vitex weren’t enough to battle it – I tried), which is quite possibly the best personal-help decision I’ve made in the last year.

I think I have become braver, or at least more honest with myself. I’ve started to embrace the slightly more ethereal, prose-like, bashfully eloquent bits of myself that so easily run into hiding.

I’ve done things that I used to talk myself out of. A mental breakdown in March lead to the birth of a youtube channel and the introduction to so many wonderful amazing people that I can’t imagine not knowing. I’ve learned to value those meltdown moments, because for some reason, after working through them – I find a sense of clarity, and I know myself better than I had before. My psyche and subconscious had a voice and I learned the importance of centering myself, patience, and drive.

I remember where I was on my birthday last year, and I’ve changed so much. I’m looking forward to continuing the journey I started last year, and granting myself new permission to just revel in life this year; to keep doing what I’m doing, and have new experiences (to go, where no kiery has gone before).

Make it so.

 

Art Journal: Place I'd like to go

“You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself any direction you choose. You’re on your own. And you know what you know. And YOU are the one who’ll decide where to go…” ― Dr. Seuss

Dr Suess Prompt

I’d like to go to Cardiff, in England, and travel in the TARDIS on the Doctor Who set.

(drawn on my iPad using Paper, and a bamboo iPad pen)