learning

Failure and Creatives (me)

I follow awesome people on twitter – and Erika brought up something that I had thought about at PAX (and then forgot because I was confused by my sudden lack of 4 molars), the subsequent short conversation with Kiri (who, btw, is awesome incarnate – not just because we pronounce our names the same way) then spurred me onto a twitter muse which I realized would be better suited for a blog post, because all the thoughts are way more than 140.

I feel like a failure – and if twitter is any indication I’m certainly not alone in that feeling. If you’ve read here before, you’ll probably have seen that strewn across the blog relatively frequently, if in vague terms.

That’s been escalated lately, exponentially. At some point, you become comfortable with your relationship with failure, and hiding in the dark, and doing stuff with little response – even though you desperately want response, all creators do (as hard as that is to admit because it feels…vain?).

Kiri wrote a post the day before I started my kickstarter about the same feeling. Between that and this post by Katie Lane…I’ve expressed the general terrifying-ness and failing feels of everything, but I’ve been so afraid to say what for fear of…I don’t really know.

I think I’m afraid that if I get into detail here of how I feel and why, everyone who’s been there for me and backed me is going to think I’m a horrible person. Which probably is playing a huge part in the creative block I’ve been facing.

I made it into the first round of the G&S Vlogs, my Kickstarter following that was successful, before PAX even! So the paralyzing fear and anxiety should be gone, right? Because everything worked?

Ah, but you don’t live inside my head. I waffle between YAY PEOPLE THINK I’M COOL and OH MY GOD I NEED TO NOT FUCK THIS UP. WHAT IF I’M AWFUL AND THEY HATE ME?

Strangely, the “just don’t fuck this up” part is wayyyy louder than the, “hey people like what I do!” voice.

Because I was successful I’m met with more stress than living in the shadows and making things maybe 30 people saw – most of whom I know, on a good day. It’s gone up a bit since The Daily Beast and Geek and Sundry and Kickstarter and it’s wonderful.

But damned if I’m not fucking terrified. I was funded, partially because Harry Knowles pissed people off, which I mean, I’m not complaining about – but the internet can be scary. I don’t want to piss people off, and I’m afraid that if I don’t deliver something perfect, it’s going to end poorly.

Which I know in my thinking brain isn’t true, because I have a years worth of content people could go back and look at, people knew what they were getting into when they funded me and they liked it, it doesn’t have to be The Best Show Ever(tm) is just needs to be KieryGeek, which I’m actually good at – when I’m not hiding in a corner being afraid.

I’m afraid that I’m not getting things done fast enough, or that I don’t know what I’m doing (I feel like I have no idea what I’m doing anymore, even though I’m doing the same thing, but being actually able to show it this time), or that it’ll still fall short (I’m reminded of Ira Glass on Storytelling) of what I want it to be.

I’m worried I won’t get the rewards to everyone on time, or they won’t like them, or I’m not making KieryGeek episodes fast enough (even though I’m still waiting on my mic to arrive), and I should be making ALL OF THE THINGS right this second, and I’m failing because I’m not. Instead I’m writing this, or playing animal crossing or painting my Archangel (which is actually related, because warmahordes). I’m worried I won’t be able to keep the Humorotica schedule that we’ve only tentatively set, or that if I draw all of the times my drawing will not get better and it’ll just be lamer and lamer (which, I KNOW is bullshit, you can’t get worse at doing something all the time..right?).

I’m afraid that my comics are lame (drawing, not words, because I have a great writer), or that I won’t be able to balance comics and KieryGeek and jobs – even though I’ve been doing that, dare I say successfully, for months.

I’m not sure how everything is going to work from here on out. I know what I want, but I’m also terrified of achieving it. I want to be able to support myself making comics and filming vlogs about games and making webseries and painting and making other digital art. I want to not have to rely on my partner for everything all of the time. It’s really awesome that he doesn’t mind, but, I’d like to be able to contribute too, you know? With more than $9 an hour seasonally.

I’ve not done things because I was afraid or too drained to, and I regret those a lot. I wanted to make friends with all the G&S Vloggers during the competition but didn’t – mostly because I was coming off of hellcation and the PTSD that brought (which, fed into self loathing, oh yeah, that’s tied in too – this is a nasty beast). I’ve regretted it since and haven’t really known how to deal with it. I didn’t meet any of the strip search artists at PAX even though they’re some of my favorite people because, SOCIAL ANXIETY. I feel like I talked a little about the meltdown I was dealing with over that weekend, it’s basically all of this stuff and existential crisis and creative self-doubt.

But, I DID muster up the courage to buy a shirt from MC Frontalot because I was too scared at PAX East…so…that’s a plus? If you don’t listen to the internal montage of “dude, you sounded so stupid” that played for a couple days later.

I realized there, that everyone deals with this – all creatives do – probably all humans, actually. I don’t remember which story Scott Kurtz was telling that made that point, but it was perfect. I think it was about how you put so much of yourself out there that you get exhausted, which…so true. Sometimes everything in my head is exhausting, and everything external is exhausting and everything is just exhausting.

But I can’t not do it.

And that’s what keeps me going – through the blocks and the fear and the anxiety.

I know what happens when I don’t create (I go nuts and YAY MORE MELTDOWN KIERY).

I have to (and I love it).

I realize that ultimately, the problem is coming from myself and my own hangups and my own fears and I am quite literally my own worst enemy. I am the one with the unreasonable expectations and overactive internal critic.

I just don’t know how to fix it – I’ll let you know when I do.

(If you’ve discovered the elixir, tell me? please? *begs*)

Photoshop Week One

In pictures!

Monday tendo

Tuesday tuesday

Wednesday Wednesday

Thursday Screen Shot 2013-08-02 at 5.02.26 PM

Friday Humorotica

Updates and Life and Stuff

1) Kickstarter Project:

I have everything done and ready for submission except the video. I was going to film over the weekend, but we had to go back to the drawing board. I feel kind of bad about it, like I should just do it – but it’s kind of the most important piece and I want to take my time making it as perfect as I can get it, because that’s what I want to do (and try to do) for the web-show I’m asking money for. I need to stop being my own worst enemy here, and feeling guilty for taking the time necessary to make it awesome.

2) Direction:

Every few months or so, I have this thing, where I feel like I have no idea what I’m doing or if it’s even worth anything. Occasionally, within those moments, I have enough clarity to actually think about what I want to do with my life (after I’ve decided that living the way I want to, on my terms, and letting my heart and intuition guide me is worth it after all) and make some kind of weird this-is-where-I-want-to-be-one-year-from-now note in my art journal. Writing important truths and epiphanies in ink is an important part of my process. If I want something to stick, I write it down, physically – this somehow cements the idea/goal/vision/plan/hope/dream in my mind, so I don’t have to look it up all the time; it becomes etched and as permanent as a tattoo for as long as I need it to be or until it’s accomplished.

Big picture aside (currently secret, because I see it clearly but I’m not feeling brave enough to say it out loud until like, more than a day has passed since dreaming it up, I guess) these are the most prominent bullet points of my plan:

  • learn photoshop
  • draw every day, no exceptions
  • post a comic regularly

Unrelated to secret-dream-goal, I’m also intending on working out every-other-day for actually this time. Today, so far, has been a success in both areas.

3) Details:

I’m learning photoshop at the moment through CG Cookie. I guess I’m actually learning more about concept design than photoshop at this point. I need a THIS IS THAT THING, HERE’S HOW YOU USE IT tutorial so I can open it without feeling like crying when I can’t find the pour tool or a basic brush.

I’m going to make myself use photoshop every day this week, for several hours – even if all the art I make on it is crap (I’ve felt that way about all my art lately, it’s a thing, I guess it’s a good sign) I’ll at least be better at it by Friday than I was today, right?

My subject this week, is Tendo Choi from Pacific Rim. If you haven’t seen my other Pacific Rim comic, check it out.

Change

Last year, I wrote about how I felt different on my birthday, because I had finally given myself permission to live. I referred back to that permission throughout the year in different ways, and I think I’ll continue to refer back to it (remembering, that being myself is a life journey, not something accomplished in one go – I am allowed to reinvent and renew myself as much as I want to). This year though, I don’t feel different. I am different. I’ve changed – more over the last year than I have in a while, but especially more over the last three years than I have since I was young.

I like it, I like looking back and realizing that I can see how far I’ve come, and that I’ve traveled far.

I started a health/fitness quest – which is very much a journey. I haven’t been perfect, or strictly disciplined, but I think I’ve learned how to listen to my body, and I think I’ve gotten better at it. Progress is slow, but rewarding in the little things. The fact that I’ve actually started it and stuck with it is change – I never gave a second thought about my body until I realized something wasn’t balanced correctly. That decision lead to getting help for my PMDD/depression (evening primrose, progesterone, and vitex weren’t enough to battle it – I tried), which is quite possibly the best personal-help decision I’ve made in the last year.

I think I have become braver, or at least more honest with myself. I’ve started to embrace the slightly more ethereal, prose-like, bashfully eloquent bits of myself that so easily run into hiding.

I’ve done things that I used to talk myself out of. A mental breakdown in March lead to the birth of a youtube channel and the introduction to so many wonderful amazing people that I can’t imagine not knowing. I’ve learned to value those meltdown moments, because for some reason, after working through them – I find a sense of clarity, and I know myself better than I had before. My psyche and subconscious had a voice and I learned the importance of centering myself, patience, and drive.

I remember where I was on my birthday last year, and I’ve changed so much. I’m looking forward to continuing the journey I started last year, and granting myself new permission to just revel in life this year; to keep doing what I’m doing, and have new experiences (to go, where no kiery has gone before).

Make it so.

 

All dressed up and nowhere to go

IMG_9429

 

Usually I’d actually apply makeup before doing this, but I was (ironically enough) going to lunch (and woke up at 12 something because I could, and I wanted to spend as much time not moving as possible due to muscle strain). Anyway, this is my cute blurry picture.

Cardigan: Forever 21 $6 (on sale/clearance), Jeans: Aeropostale’s Skinny/Curvey (I got them on sale too), Shoes: Converse, Shirt: Switchfoot concert $20, Headband: Claire’s – came in a pack.