This is my Life


College Week 4 Day 1

I should be actually doing homework, but I can’t focus and I’m waiting for coffee to kick in while contemplating finding out if I have ADD/ADHD because reasons. I turned in my first paper today and omg feels. I’ve never turned in a paper where the grade actually mattered in a real way, so this is kinda huge.

Anyway, enjoy this collage.

Also, I have less than a week left in the voting period for the 10k Scholarship. I need about 600 votes to secure my place in the top 10 and then it goes to a round of judging. So if you haven’t voted, please vote, and if you have, please please please share the shit out of it. 10k would go A LONG way in helping me get through college and also maintaining my levels of calm.


Feels: College wk 1

First week of school was sort of a whir. Hard but good….looking at essays as intensely as we have has sometimes been really hard to handle emotionally, and in a way I wasn’t — am not — prepared for. I love doing school and being in that environment and I want to be actively involved on campus because it makes me feel alive and I feel like I’m putting real roots down for the first time.

 

I feel vulnerable and alive and terrified and magical.

 

I have so many ideas on how I could improve the information dispersal of student life on campus and advocate for more gender neutral bathrooms and make it more of an obviously safe LGBT space.

 

I’m getting tired of repeating my story, as important as it is, it’s draining, and yet colors everything. It comes up in class and in ice breakers and I don’t want to bury it because it’s me, but…..it’s exhausting.

 

It’s important to understand (me) but draining to repeat (over and over again).

 

I’ve had a really hard mental health day today – sort of being overwhelmed from the first week of school and figuring out how the fuck it works, making decisions for my educational and financial future (applying to student leadership ftw) and not really having had time to process everything that I’m feeling.

 

The feeling of being in control of everything and nothing simultaneously. Taking charge and not knowing the next step.

What is my life even.

 

It’s good, but it’s terrifying, and I want it to continue, but I can’t do it myself.


My Life On Paper 3 comments

The first quarter of sort of college is almost over, and I feel like I’ve fallen into a rut of sleep – school – sleep and like I’m not getting anything much done (besides school, which totally counts). So last night I wrote down some of my priorities, to help focus and get out of said rut. Whether or not that will actually work, we’ve yet to see, because I still feel like living under the blankets until class and then going back to bed. Although I did manage to flesh out the design for my next tattoo last night, so that was something.IMG_0021

I’m hoping I can crank out some comics for E.R.A. over the two week break between quarters so I can get back into that, hoping to also finish the js course on code academy and start on making a crawler. I also need to take the english placement test to see if I can start at college level english next quarter, and get some more canvasses so I can finish the series to submit to the Gender Odyssey conference this fall.

My school is paying for me to go to a LGBTQ summit for college students at the end of the month so maybe I’ll do something with my hair before that too.

What I really need to do is break things down into bite-sized chunks for the daytime hours, but I haven’t had the energy to do that yet. Right now weekends are my making stuff time – The Sims4 Series, and hopefully drawing and programming…but I really should work some of those into week days.

Right now I feel kind of like, I know generally what I want to do with my life, but I’m not sure how to do all of it. It’s a bit overwhelming and I think maybe that’s why my body is set on knocking me out until class and then crashing again. So many options, my school alone has so many things going on that it’s super overwhelming and I think maybe I just need to loosen my grip a little and see where it takes me.

Oh, and my birthday happened! I was in San Francisco for it and it was lovely.

So far, 25 has been emotionally intense, but good, I think. So many plans, and ideas, and things that I can’t quite make tangible yet…and a lot of creative energy that I don’t have the physical energy to express.

I’ll get there.


Fairy Dust and Awesomeness 1 comment

IMG_0516My body is changing. I’ve talked about it before.

It’s confusing, disorienting…scary.

I can’t hide my boobs anymore, because they’ve grown too much.

I have massive cleavage in a sports bra.

My hips and thighs are bigger, rounder, more curvy.

My body is growing into more of a “woman” shape than I would like it to, personally.

And sometimes it’s really easy to feel betrayed by it, as I move fluidly between genderless/genderneutral and somewhat demigirl?

The confusing path of my gender identity that I wrap in the titles of femme-presenting non-binary and genderqueer.

Feeling like my body is betraying who I really am isn’t unusual for me. It’s been doing that since I started having periods.

It’s easy to hate myself right now – to hate my shape, my weight….

To hate it in the night when I can’t get to sleep because my boobs are in the way, and my bones and muscles are unsure of how to hold all the sudden…extra that occurred, leaving bright stretch marks and dull aches in it’s wake.

It’s easy to hate it when I have to re-learn how to use my body, because my belly is softer and rounder, my skin rolls, my thighs are bigger, and I generally take up more space than I’m used to.

 
More space than I ever have.

 

It’s easy to hate it when I feel like I have to be small, invisible, and take no room because I’m not worth having space.

It’s easy to hate because I don’t know what to do with it. I don’t know how to be growing, physically, changing sizes. Even as a child my growth spurts were few and far between. I was 3’6″ until I was nearly 10. I was always underweight, and my mom made a point to note how even at barely 100 pounds and age 16, I was bigger than she was at my age.

I don’t know how to be okay with letting my body be.

And I don’t think many other people do either.

We’re socialized to hate it. To hate it because we take up space, and people who were assigned female at birth are also trained from birth not to take up space.

I went to the doctor the other day, because having a period means I need Women’s Wellness Exams.

Anything related to periods and uteri and….general having the ability to reproduce tends to trigger a beautiful dysphoria fun time.

Easiest time to hate myself…easiest time to hate my body.

I was weighed for the first time since before I moved, and they didn’t tell me my weight when I told them I wasn’t looking, and they didn’t judge.

But my weight was on the take-home paper, along with proof that I have a heartbeat and blood pressure.

I’m 162 pounds.IMG_0527

I weigh more than I was told (lied to) that my father weighs, more than my mom thinks she weighs when she’s pregnant….

And for the first time that knowledge didn’t bother me.

For a moment I had the realization….

 

I’m 162 pounds of awesome, and that’s perfect.

 

Hillary Rain started Lush Folk and is doing 7 Days of Tenderness and the timing is good, because moments pass and it’s easy to hate myself. But it’s beautiful to be reminded that I’m allowed space, I require space, and I don’t need to feel guilty for taking it up. I should own it, and so should you.

 

Right now I’m in a good place.

I am 162 pounds of star stuff and magic and fairy dust and awesome. I take up space and that’s actually good. I’m worth space, I’m worth taking care of myself, I’m worth having clothes that fit and not trying to squish my changing body into clothes that are the size I think I should be.

I’m healthy and alive and perfect.

And so are you.