This is my Life

Visual Progress

I played minecraft all day yesterday and ended up with thumb cramps (hahahaha) so I mostly puttered around today to give my thumbs a break and that involved sorting random stuff – mostly my wardrobe. All of my clothes (that aren’t hung) fit in one laundry basket and are things I like, so that’s a win (I also have another laundry basket full of things to take to the thrift shop).

I also did some stuff in the kitchen, where I learned that once I got rid of the (unpictured) plain hand-me-down plates, I actually do have like 4 place settings, I also have two normal cups, one wine goblet, two martini glasses, 4 tumblers, and so. many. mugs. Clearly we drink a lot of tea and coffee around here. And I actually only found one mug that we haven’t used (solely because it was dirty and out of reach, so that’s fixed now :P). New goal is to replace my plates + bowls with dishes that I actually like instead.

I also cleaned out my tea/hot chocolate cabinet and threw out the empty tea boxes and now I have a tea shelf, a hot chocolate shelf, and an emergency coffee shelf. But I didn’t take any pictures of it. :P

I’ve discovered this new feeling recently, I think it’s called “sentiment”. It’s kinda weird. Makes getting rid of my reindeer stocking difficult, but Alex seems to think it’s a good thing, so maybe that’s progress.

waning

It’s been a rough week and I think at the back of my mind I’m worried that maybe my new meds aren’t going to work, or aren’t working (I’ve only been on the new dose 4 days, so).

My shoulders are massively fucked at the moment, shocked the massage person who said it was really good that I came in and that they’re really bad and it’ll take multiple sessions to fix. I was like, yeah, I kinda figured…once my neck decided it didn’t really like turning. Apparently I held up really well for what we did with the deep tissue massage, I think I feel it more now than I did at the time, but I can move, and more importantly, I think I can sleep again.

I’ve been fighting a lot of general insecurity and self-loathing and shit-feeling – like for some reason, when things are going okay, I feel like something must be wrong. Especially wrong with me.

How fucked up is that?

I’ve been feeling ashamed of my body, in part because of the shit that went down last week, partly because yay bloating and lactose intolerance, and partly because I gained a couple pounds and the lady at the doctors office made a face when weighing me.

Temporary bloat and uncomfortableness aside though, I’ve been feeling okayish with my weight/how my body looks. On a related front: upping my water intake and dabbling with pescetarianism vegequarianism and probably cutting out dairy for a little while because hahaha tummy (Y U NO LIKE ICE CREAM?).

Today I felt like I failed at everything even though I managed to get my 2nd Gardasil shot, and a massage, and run errands….I felt like it was my fault that things took longer than I wanted them to (the waiting time at the doctors office, is I think, probably, actually, out of my control), my fault for needing to spend money to make my shoulders/neck work again, my fault for trying to talk to people and being confused and tired (because I haven’t slept much/well the last few days because pain)…

I kept running scenarios over and over in my head, convinced I was stupid for this or that, or not doing this, or not being sure how much I should undress because the massage place was in/is part of a gym and I was so out of my element and in pain and tired…

^^ not an overly relaxing thought process for getting a massage

But I think I’ve also been scaring myself with baby-steps towards progress too.

Like looking up web jobs in Seattle, and realizing that I could do that, and not only that I could get a job, but I might be able to manage doing the Ada Developers Academy.

Almost seriously considering getting a local summer job didn’t completely freak me out for like 10 minutes (depressed by the options on the other hand…)

I kinda feel like venturing to the new game store we discovered.

But then I still have this little tiny, but people!!!!!!! thing…and then I overthink when I talk to them, but I feel like there’s a little progress, and then I’m like OH NO WHAT’S HAPPENING.

So, that’s probably normal, right?

Writing this all out helps me feel better and helps put things in perspective.

I do have some really cool shit going down (besides just E.R.A. —> which if you become a patron, you can get the full-size comic download /plug) that I’m looking forward to sharing after I convince myself I’m not a shitty shit face.

<3 Thanks for listening

mental notes

Things I did:

  • built a comic website/CMS from scratch in a month
  • built a resource website and started collecting and posting content over the holiday
  • upped my meds, starting the new full-dose tonight
  • scheduled my 2nd HPV shot appointment for Friday
  • wrote myself a starting place for new comics so I can start drawing this week
  • made mental notes about the last episode of KieryGeek season 3(!!!)
  • listed PS3 on ebay and made mental notes of easy things to do this week for more Seattle prep
  • wore bright red lipstick, because fuck the patriarchy
  • launched Swan Children

Things to do:

  • laundry
  • draw
  • draw
  • plan Humorotica
  • draw
  • add meta
  • add posts
  • write
  • write
  • film KieryGeek
  • hide long-sleeve shirts for the next month and a half until I need them again
  • finish code academy ruby course
  • start on making my badge site because self esteem reasons
  • update portfolio
  • draw
  • film new patreon video

muse:

I get in these moods where I’m almost hyper focused on one thing, which works out well until I finish that project, and then I feel lost. I love ruby/rails/making websites in general because it gives me the same kind of, good creative feeling, but on the other side of my brain that art and drawing does. It’s hard to describe but doing both of those (drawing and programming) makes me feel nice in my head, weirdly satisfying, but sometimes changing gears is really weird – like programming all week and then suddenly stopping because, hey look, the site’s basically finished (for like 10 minutes and then you realized there was more functionality you should have added but it’s so late and you need sleep, so you need write it down and do it later, okay? seriously, Kiery, it will still be here tomorrow when you’re awake) and I have a comic deadline I should do because comics.

But expelling a lot of creative energy in bursts is really exhausting. I don’t know how to balance that yet. Right now I’m at the part of the cycle where I worked non-stop, and I have more that I could do, but I’m soooo tired that I can’t, so I’m putting everything back into little bite-sized chunks even though I just really want to do all of the things (but the thought of doing all of the things is so overwhelming and makes me tired).

I go through this pretty frequently, eventually I’ll figure it out…probably. And later this week I’ll have a couple new announcements on the aforementioned website fronts that I’m really pleased about.

For now, I think I’m going to attempt to relax and calm my brain…maybe I’ll finally get past that one fucking level in Trine 2.

This Week in Art & Life (But Mostly Pictures)

Last weekend Alex and I went to New York to see some comedy shows as an early anniversary thing and it was awesome.

We saw The Thrilling Adventure Hour and Comedy Bang! Bang! and went to a movie and checked out central park and generally had an awesome weekend. Then we drove all night Sunday night and got home at 5:30 am Monday morning, which actually wasn’t all that bad, although I’m not sure my neck appreciated it.

I also consumed unheard of amounts of caffeine, which has been exciting this week. When I went to Planned Parenthood to get my shots on Monday I was still buzzed and slightly shaky, so…I warned the nurse about that when she took my blood pressure, because I was also over-tired and talkative.

One shot in each shoulder

One shot in each shoulder

Gardasil? NO BIG DEAL. My arm was slightly achey for a day or two, but nothing more than mild irritation. Tetanus, on the other hand. Dude. My left shoulder is still sort of sensitive – much more sensitive and irritated than Gardasil arm, so, if you’ve had tetanus and are skittish about Gardasil, Tetanus is worse – but still not in the horrific “I WILL NEVER DO THIS AGAIN” category, so if you’re due for a booster, you should get it. Achey arms hurt less than dying, I’m pretty sure.

 

 


A lot of media attention is finally being given to the craziness that is modesty culture in homeschool circles, thanks to Hännah’s sister, Clare (who is amazing).  Which has made this week very Patriarchy crushing and awesome (albeit intense).

I’ve needed to paint for a while, and I felt like this week called for all of the art to happen – including a rage-comic I haven’t written yet, and one I have. I channeled all of my feelings of rage and patriarchy-crushing into paints and mirrors and canvas, which did wonders for my mental health (as it usually does), and I feel like I can breathe again.

Fuck the Patriarchy

Fuck the Patriarchy

Rage

Rage

General Stuffs

Thanksgiving was a thing that happened. I’m still recovering.

Our apartment flooded on Wednesday, so we’ve had to re-arrange until, hopefully, our roof actually gets fixed.

Our computers are currently in the kitchen, because it doesn’t rain there.

My body is trying to find equilibrium with the progestin, and it’s making me kind of moody – well, that and the weather, because sinuses.

I’m grumpy because my setup is all messed up and my workspace is cluttered because two computers and all the wires and I feel like I can’t draw. I don’t have enough visual space to draw and it’s frustrating.

I can’t decide if I feel christmasy, and like decorating, or if I hate it’s guts because every night from 5-9 on the half-hour the LL Bean tree has a loud lightshow that I can feel the bass of.

A lot of very small things are stressing me out at unreasonable levels and I know I just need to wait it out, and meditate, and cry, but it’s frustrating. I hate feeling like I’m going to have a meltdown because I don’t have enough room to use my tablet, but, reasons.

In other news, making progress with Ni No Kuni. I stop after I die and take time to re-think my strategy. I’m working on the boss in the golden forest, I think he may be immune to fire, so I should try frost. I should try more slicing and less sand too, maybe less pebble throwing.