Fairy Dust and Awesomeness

posted in: Gender, Misc, Something Real | 0

IMG_0516My body is changing. I’ve talked about it before.

It’s confusing, disorienting…scary.

I can’t hide my boobs anymore, because they’ve grown too much.

I have massive cleavage in a sports bra.

My hips and thighs are bigger, rounder, more curvy.

My body is growing into more of a “woman” shape than I would like it to, personally.

And sometimes it’s really easy to feel betrayed by it, as I move fluidly between genderless/genderneutral and somewhat demigirl?

The confusing path of my gender identity that I wrap in the titles of femme-presenting non-binary and genderqueer.

Feeling like my body is betraying who I really am isn’t unusual for me. It’s been doing that since I started having periods.

It’s easy to hate myself right now – to hate my shape, my weight….

To hate it in the night when I can’t get to sleep because my boobs are in the way, and my bones and muscles are unsure of how to hold all the sudden…extra that occurred, leaving bright stretch marks and dull aches in it’s wake.

It’s easy to hate it when I have to re-learn how to use my body, because my belly is softer and rounder, my skin rolls, my thighs are bigger, and I generally take up more space than I’m used to.

More space than I ever have.


It’s easy to hate it when I feel like I have to be small, invisible, and take no room because I’m not worth having space.

It’s easy to hate because I don’t know what to do with it. I don’t know how to be growing, physically, changing sizes. Even as a child my growth spurts were few and far between. I was 3’6″ until I was nearly 10. I was always underweight, and my mom made a point to note how even at barely 100 pounds and age 16, I was bigger than she was at my age.

I don’t know how to be okay with letting my body be.

And I don’t think many other people do either.

We’re socialized to hate it. To hate it because we take up space, and people who were assigned female at birth are also trained from birth not to take up space.

I went to the doctor the other day, because having a period means I need Women’s Wellness Exams.

Anything related to periods and uteri and….general having the ability to reproduce tends to trigger a beautiful dysphoria fun time.

Easiest time to hate myself…easiest time to hate my body.

I was weighed for the first time since before I moved, and they didn’t tell me my weight when I told them I wasn’t looking, and they didn’t judge.

But my weight was on the take-home paper, along with proof that I have a heartbeat and blood pressure.

I’m 162 pounds.IMG_0527

I weigh more than I was told (lied to) that my father weighs, more than my mom thinks she weighs when she’s pregnant….

And for the first time that knowledge didn’t bother me.

For a moment I had the realization….


I’m 162 pounds of awesome, and that’s perfect.


Hillary Rain started Lush Folk and is doing 7 Days of Tenderness and the timing is good, because moments pass and it’s easy to hate myself. But it’s beautiful to be reminded that I’m allowed space, I require space, and I don’t need to feel guilty for taking it up. I should own it, and so should you.


Right now I’m in a good place.

I am 162 pounds of star stuff and magic and fairy dust and awesome. I take up space and that’s actually good. I’m worth space, I’m worth taking care of myself, I’m worth having clothes that fit and not trying to squish my changing body into clothes that are the size I think I should be.

I’m healthy and alive and perfect.

And so are you.

let downs

Sometimes it feels like the universe just really wants me to not get in to any of the communities that would help me grow faster and it’s really frustrating. I instantly hear the words of my parents when they ripped away my only social outlet and community as a teenager (competitive speech and debate) “you’re not going anywhere, so obviously this isn’t for you” and were one step closer to securing my life’s focus to be entirely on raising their children, cleaning their house, and cooking their food. My parents weren’t much with the keep trying thing, they were more with the, if you do it twice and don’t succeed to our standards, give the fuck up and go be invisible, doing what we want you to do.


I know it’s not personal, but years of living with people who make any “failure” out to be because you specifically suck is a hard mental cycle to break, even though I’ve been away for 6 years now. And when I try to apply to places where learning and community happen – whether it’s Ada or Geek and Sundry or cool jobs – and I don’t make it, it feels like it is because I specifically suck, and I specifically don’t deserve to have a community or group or boost to learning, because I specifically am horrible and have to do it the hard way.


Come to think of it, another piece of this feels onion is the about 18 years my parents spent saying that never having good things happen to you is the most holy thing, and working to improve and make things better is pointless because if it’s going to happen god will just plop it on your lap with no effort from you.


A theory I strongly believe to be bullshit (aided by my general agnosticism: I don’t have any celestial being to drop something good in my lap), but that comes up when I try really really hard to improve myself only to have that avenue not be open to me at the moment.


Basically all I learned from my parents is: why bother? don’t even try, and live in that miserable pit because it’s holy.


And I know it’s a lie, and abusive, and unhealthy – but then when I do try, and I put my heart and soul into a thing and it doesn’t pan out…guess what’s the first thing I hear?


So I’m going to cry today.

And then I’ll come back next week and do the things. I can teach myself, I did it all of my education. I’ll keep doing that and looking for opportunities. But right now I need to just be sad.


posted in: Misc | 0

I didn’t do any WordPress videos on Tuesday, because a work project came up which meant I got to play with MySQL databases and mess around on the server side, so learning was still a thing. Had this huge problem that was created by my browser deciding to insert my email address in the whitelist space…so, just a day in the life.

Monday was the one year anniversary of Kiery’s Fairy Porn and I drew a fairy, obviously.

While averting minor crises today I also managed to get out a full E.R.A. comic. I moved my Wacom tablet to my laptop, which means the way I usually export and upload is different so the compression is weird but all the tools worked while drawing, so. It’s weird how much an OS change can really fuck you over if one of your incredibly commonly used pieces of hardware didn’t make a driver for it. 😛

Anyway. I had a lot of really great thoughts while I was taking a shower, but now they’re rescinding.

It really feels like autumn here. The weather is lovely and finally starting to be the drizzly Seattle I was promised. Night is heavy and dark and magical. We have a planter with a grow light which helps – it’s basically a sun light, but it’s currently over three pods of basil. I love how the colors outside are more vibrant when it’s overcast. Happy to be somewhere it can be chilly and grey but not monochromatic and snow covered.

I’m helping a friend out by testing a product for her (called It Works) that’s basically a vitamin complex to make your hair/skin/nails grow and be all nice and stuff. “But Kiery, you just cut your hair! Why do you want to grow it again?” Because I can cut it again, my dear! Also my hair could use some nourishment after being mostly bleached and colored for the last couple years, so it can’t hurt, right?

I also grabbed some scalp happiness/damage repair shampoo because my hair has been angry with me; right now my hair is super soft.

This is something I know all of you wanted to know, YOU’RE WELCOME. (The shampoo/conditioner I got is Clear, from Target, if yeah, anyway). I just want my head to be less itchy and dandruff-y 😛

I’m having feelings and thoughts about lip hairs, so maybe there’ll be a comic on that on Friday.

Thing I’m Gonna Try

posted in: Misc | 0

So the last three weeks have been getting ready for my spouse to leave and then dealing with my spouse being gone, and that was very hard. I don’t like sleeping alone. Anyway. picked up spouse from the airport yesterday and suddenly ALL my energy and focus came rushing back.

I realized that I am doing exactly what I want to be doing with my life (and pursuing opportunities to continue that). Art and Programming are both necessary for my happiness and I want to get better at both of them (also I shouldn’t feel guilty about focusing on being good at both of them, either, because I can). So I came up with a thing to try for a while to see what happens and if I can maybe eke (eeeeek!) out a little progress again.

MWF = drawing days: Fairy Porn, E.R.A., Bitch Goddess

Tues/Thurs = Treehouse Days: WordPress on Tuesday and Ruby on Thursday, so I can actually start making progress on all the things again and have a break from WordPress so I don’t just cry out of frustration for several months because of PHP. Not that it was a thing that happened or anything (okay it was).

I’m going to attempt to do recaps of programming days and mayyyybe see if I can set up a way to screencap or stream some drawings so other places like youtube will be updated. Not sure, we’ll see. If all goes well, new things’ll happen again now that I’m not entirely focused on distracting myself from utter loneliness.


Also, I ordered myself pieces for a fairy costume so I can go to the Short Run thing on Halloween. 😀


posted in: 30 in 30 | 0

You gave me broken tools
I supplied the desire
a hunger to learn
to grow
to be new


time has passed
what’s broken is now rusting
the yearning is unchanged
but the courage to step out into the light?
to forge a path into the bright unknown?
it’s coming, someday

Seattle Pride (In Pictures)

posted in: Misc | 0

Intentionally went to my first Pride last-ish weekend, and it was really fun. I’d been to Portland (Maine) Pride once on accident – we were getting food and then a wild parade appeared – but Seattle, Seattle really knows how to do Pride. It’s massive.

Next year I hope there’s more than one Bi Pride group, because in an all-day parade, having a good bit of visibility would be nice for those of us who often feel invisible.

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