I sort of re-evaluted some things in my art journal the other day. I’ve been feeling frustrated, some of it is due to not having a high enough dose of antidepressants which I fixed last week, and some of it is due to the fact that I can tell I’m quickly heading toward burnout and I’m not doing enough of what I actually want to be doing.

journalI have a problem with saying yes without thinking. Usually this is a good thing, but then I get overwhelmed. I’m split from what I want to do and doing something that I also want to do but it’s not the thing I want to do it’s just a thing I’m doing because it seemed like a good idea.

I’m doing lots of these things. I’ve brought it upon myself – I put a lot of expectations on myself and I need to pare those down. I need to pursue the things that make me happy – I started doing that, actually, between my comics and submitting my vlog to the G&S Vlog channel, I’m really proud of myself and feel oh so alive.

I’ve decided that I’m not going to pursue programming as a vocation. I’ll do wordpress/troubleshooting for friends/personal projects, so I can do what I do better.

This is such an awkward post to write. To the people I’m doing internet stuff with/for – still doing it. I won’t leave you hanging.

Rain is one of my favorite artists. Whenever she writes there’s some part of my soul that murmurs yes. I want to be ethereal like that, some part of me longs to touch the blades of grass like Willow and feel how the entire earth is connected through roots and energy. It ignites. But that’s not my voice; I feel like it’s a part of me that is there, but waiting. Like a surprise present – it’ll come out when I’m ready, in it’s own way, in it’s me-ness (which probably won’t look anything like my lovely bohemian sister-warrioress). My voice will evolve into whatever it needs to be. Right now, it’s cognitive, I live within my head: thinking, writing, drawing, processing; and I like that I found it.

Tomorrow is our 4th anniversary(!!!!!), It’s pretty cool, I’m excited. We’ve both come such a long way since then, it’s kind of hard to imagine (though, mostly due to embarrassment) – I’m so happy we’ve evolved.

Tonight I’m picking up some more Legion of Everblight minis. I’ve been paranoid I’ll forget all day, but I won’t. Thursday or Friday I’m going to film an actual KieryGeek episode, and then next week I’ll have another #mattandkieryvsstripsearch hangout. I also started a series called The Acceptance Chronicles, where I process puberty and hope it’s funny. ^Things that make me happy.

 

FLEECE!

I have a fleece jacket, it’s soft and warm, and makes me soooo happy. Because now I can go outside with a jacket and I’m not still freezing. I’ve been wearing a track-ish jacket for a few years because it’s small enough to fit under other jackets, but it wasn’t providing quite enough warmth. So we went to old navy on Saturday and I got a warm fleece jacket with built in hand warmers. ^.^ My mood has gone up several notches over the last few days because of it (I like to be warm).

Saturday night we went to a concert with Alex’s family to see Elizabeth Von Trapp (yeah, the sound of music people). I wasn’t really sure what to expect, but her performance was amazing. She’s not a musician you could really sing along to, or with, but what she does with her voice and the words that she chooses in the songs that she writes is something that is more like painting than singing. She’s an illustrator with words and uses her voice like a painter uses a brush. I’ve never seen anything quite like that before, and it was amazing – completely unexpected,  so very artistic and stunning. I couldn’t help but feeling that she’s transcended the world of musicians and crossed a bridge and what she does and how she does it, is art. and it’s lovely.

Yesterday, Alex and I ended up finishing (sort of) a short we came up with the other day, and that was a blast. I love filming with him. We’re only able to do it on nights and weekends, but I love it. It’s fun to get out of our comfort zones and try new things (in the comfort and seclusion of our studio ;) ) and learn what we’re good at and comfortable with and figure out new things. The longest thing is post-production and adding in things and cutting things together, which I can’t really help with (because it’s all on Alex’s computer) but I love seeing what it’s like at all the stages. ^.^

Earlier this year I signed up for an email list called The Brave Girls Club. Everyday they send me an email with a letter. I don’t read all of them, but sometimes (a lot of times) they write something that I *really* needed to hear and know about myself and it makes me really happy. Something as simple as a generic email that they send to thousand of women who need to hear the same thing whether they know it or not – makes me feel special, because it feeds a bit of my soul with truths about myself I would never admit. I’ve been wanting to share one here for a while, but never really knew if I should or not. But it inspires me, and makes me feel good, so I thought today that I’d share what’s been helping me a little bit over the year…

Brave Girls Club Email

*This is a stream of consciousness post, so I can actually do something this week*

It’s been a good, but long, week so far, and figured I should at least update with my thoughts that way I can actually do stuff the rest of the week.

- Saturday, Alex and I went to a wedding where I danced and danced until I couldn’t dance anymore and paid dearly for that in the morning…and over the next few days (today I’m a little better, but stairs are still not cool. #2ndfloorapartmentfail). But it was so worth it. I haven’t used those muscles in years, so I’m happy to know they still exist from my dancing days, and my legs looked great and muscle-y, if I did end up walking like a penguin everywhere.

- It’s weird that it’s already August. I’m not done getting over winter yet and it’s almost fall. I did manage to swim on Sunday and Monday, which was good, because I was getting really worried that I was going to miss the few days that you can actually swim here because life has been kind of packed and exhausting. So Monday I sat in a giant inflatable bed in the pool and floated and listened to the birds and the wind until it started to rumble and look like rain.

- Yesterday I hung out with some friends who came to visit and we went clothes shopping and hung out at beans and generally had a lot of fun and adventures in avoiding random downpours of cool rain and wind (br). But we managed to keep relatively dry and snapped a few pictures before we all went home. - I also added more blue to my hair Friday night, just the under-layer, which you can *kind of* see in the picture. I love how it came out, I feel sort of like a mermaid or fairy when I pull the top half of my hair up to expose the deep blue and turquoise shades underneath.

- So now it’s Wednesday. I’m not totally sure what to do for the rest of the week. I’m getting my I-need-to-play-WoW itch again, and I finished the 2nd revision of The Balloons screenplay on Monday, so I’m giving it a couple days before I work on tweaking it.

 - I think, now that the desk is moved into the studio and I have a place for my easel and paints, I might start painting again. I’ve been thinking about an idea so I might try  that. I could also go through my art history notebook and do a watercolor experiment with some random style.

 - A lot of my married friends suddenly became pregnant and are in/near their 2nd trimester. I want to do something, but I don’t really know what. I sort of am still fighting an internal battle with the whole idea of pregnancy – I don’t want any part of it myself, but I do want to support my friends who are having their first… I don’t have enough money to make baby-baskets for all of them and they’ll probably have some kind of baby shower soon anyway. But you need *a lot* of things to have tiny humans. So maybe I’ll do more brainstorming this week too.

 - Also, I need to go to the library and get some more Faerie Wars and fill out an inter-library loan form, and maybe get on the waiting list for Game Of Thrones unless we decide to buy it. We had fun reading the free sample on the iPad, and haven’t finished the last section yet because…..then we’ll have no more book until we get it from somewhere. I feel like George R.R. Martin was writing about Maine when he wrote about the land where winter can last a lifetime. I was like o.O I LIVE THERE.

 - My relationship status with Maine is love/LOATHE. I either need to move, or we need to figure out a way to be on speaking terms. I freak out every time it gets chilly and wet now, because I think that means winter is back. :S #toomanytoolongwinters #anditsonlybeen2

I’m feeling a little more clear headed already, maybe I’ll take a walk and hope that the lights we ordered actually come in today while I’m out.

I had every intention of having a productive day of studying and writing and getting stuff done today – but instead I watched the rebroadcast of the Harry Potter premier.

After struggling with myself for a while – knowing I only have a few more days to finish the books and that I really need to get started since I missed the last few days due to wordpress breaking, me not feeling well, and holidays – I stopped. I decided to just enjoy the moment and take it all in. For a few hours this afternoon I was part of something big – something that’s been going on for a decade, and even though I watched it hours after it happened on the other side of the pond, it was epic, and I’m so glad that I did. It was so worth it.

There’s something to be said about taking time away from the things that you “need” to do and stopping to just soak in the things that are going on around you. It’s vital in a way – if you just go through life routinely and never really stop and just enjoy something, I’m not sure that’s really living. Pausing inspires creativity, it reinvigorates, it encourages, it makes you feel wonder.

So no, I didn’t read my books, I didn’t clean, I didn’t do anything that I initially wanted to get to today, but I had a better day than I would have if I did. I was exploring, I was filled with awe and wonder, I was experiencing, and today, doing that, everything I read in The Everyday Work of Art just clicked.

It’s about experiencing.