Dreams

I had a dream last night, and in that dream I spent a lot of time with my closest-in-age sister doing chores. She’d taken up the slack for me since I was gone and had figured out how to do all the dishes and things required for keeping a house full of 8 people clean. We talked, and I realized she wasn’t the little kid I used to know anymore. She was growing into her own, and it was beautiful…..

But also painful. Because I wasn’t there. Because I abandoned her. Because my role was forced upon her when I left and she was angry, as she had every right to be. As I watched in awe and horror as she did my job, and was surprised and sad at how good she was being the next surrogate mom. I saw her anger and depression and exhaustion and I was powerless to fix it. She had every right to be angry with me, every right to be tired. Every right to grow and become her own person and enjoy her teenage years and yet that was brutally taken away from her – like it was with me. Through no fault of our own.

My mom was in the background, hovering and dictating as she does. Neither of us dared address the actual issue or the people who were actually at fault and made the decisions we were forced to live with. I bore the blame and the anger, because it was all I could do – and I told her as much as I could that she was perfect and capable and amazing.

It was only a dream, I tell myself.

And yet…..it’s probably not far from the reality.

I can’t ignore that running away, that choosing myself for the first time, didn’t leave scars on the siblings I helped raised. I wonder what it would have been like to just have siblings, instead of children – to have played and been more equal instead of responsibility for their needs foisted upon me as a child. I wish I’d been able to share childhood with them, instead of having to grow faster so I could meet their needs as a parent would. I wish I could have been real friends with my siblings, instead of nurse.

I wonder often what that’s like. What’s it like to have siblings as friends and playmates and obnoxious little sneaks, instead of people you need to raise, bathe, feed, and educate?

What’s it like to have siblings that your parents don’t cut you off from?

I wish so much didn’t happen the way it did – the way it had to.

I’m so sorry that it did, and I’m so sorry I hurt them.

Vaccinated

WP_20141112_002I’ve started and stopped this post several times over the last couple hours. It’s not even anything particularly interesting, which is why I’ve started and stopped, I guess.

But right now I’m having jack and coke and playing lego Marvel so I figured I’d take a break while I was observing the snow and actually write this stupid post.

Wednesday I got my last HPV shot! Which is awesome! I feel like I’m actually caught up on all the shots I should have gotten – I got my TDAP when I got the first HPV vaccine in May and getting the last of the three HPV’s done this week makes me feel all accomplished and adult.

Like, I overcame a bunch of childhood shit and made health choices that are better for my future. As much crap as I got from people about how much shots hurt, I did it anyway. And you know what? The shots weren’t even that bad! I mean, they’re shots, they’re not horribly comfy and I’m favoring my right shoulder, but I only needed ibuprofen on Wednesday and it’ll be back to normal by the weekend and I’m vaccinated against HPV for the rest of my life!

So if you haven’t gotten the shot yet because pain, do yourself a favor, get the shot, it’s only 3, they’re done in 6 months, they’re not that bad, and they’re a million times better than getting cancer. Don’t listen to all the people who jump on you because it’s so painful, it sounds worse than it is. Just do it. It’s smart. You’re worth it.

 

 

RubyArt

So, I talked a little about this comic project I want to make. Originally I thought I was going to build the entire back-end from scratch like I did with E.R.A. but after falling down a google rabbit hole I found Refinery CMS, which is a Ruby on Rails CMS where you can add extensions which means….

drumroll

Instead of putting most of my time and energy into creating a backend that does basically the same thing refinery does, I can just make the comic extension and put all of my effort into that!

People who don’t program probably don’t understand the excitement I’m feeling right now, but it’s pretty huge. Building your own CMS from scratch is HARD (good to do at least once, but still, hard), there are still things I could improve with E.R.A. changes I was planning on having to make and setup with what I’ve been calling “RubyArt”, which, for just wanting a comic platform…involves so much more than you would imagine.

It’s an interesting mind shift – I mean, I have to do my own tweaking and setup with the CMS, get the gem that imports wordpress xml files, but for the most part I can focus on the actual functionality I want to add with the comic feature (the fun part) instead of building an entire system over again.

But still! I’m excited to try this out. I’ll be putting it on github and stuff when I’m done and sharing it with the refinery people so other cartoonists can use it too.

 

Theme Change Makes Me Feel More Bloggy

All I’ve wanted to do all week is work on a variety of programming projects, and as a result I haven’t touched any of them, and I’m too tired right now to start (3am != programming start time).

Anyway, the couple that are vying for attention right now are my Ruby on Rails + Comic site app with WordPress/ComicPress import capability.

A Ruby on Rails app that gives me badges for doing things and I can also somehow share it…

A game. I don’t know what, or how……but I really want to be part of Antholojam but I have NO IDEA WHAT TO MAKE.

I could learn how to write it easily enough, if I knew what I wanted to make and what I wanted the story to be. But I don’t.

 

Problem being, between all of my other projects, I haven’t had time and have been too tired to work on all my new ones. I haven’t updated E.R.A. in over a month and I’ve only made two fairy porns…..

I’m ahead and behind and exhausted and antsy.

 

Oh and the current theme is Casper, which was originally created for the Ghost platform, which is what kierygeek.com is running on.

This Week I:

  • Worked on some E.R.A. Plotting
  • Voted (and then drank a lot because reasons)
  • Washed the dishes most days
  • And cleaned the stove
  • Mopped the floors
  • Made the bed
  • Took out the trash
  • Ordered Alex’s birthday presents
  • Ordered shoes and sent them back
  • Drew a comic
  • Had more ideas for ruby apps
  • Decided I want to also try to write a game
  • Met with people IRL
  • Talked with people a lot
  • Took car to mechanic
  • Drew an app concept
  • Met my water in-take goal most days
  • Surpassed my step goal twice
  • Bred all the chickens and pigs in Minecraft
  • Looked at cute dog pictures
  • Snuggled my cat